Its been a long time

Well I think the last time I posted was a little before summer. This year has surely had its ups and downs. Unfortunately, I have this thing in my head weighing me down telling me everything is shit. I try and turn it around and think of the positive things in my life but I can't think of any. Anyway, my best friend became single and I pushed her into exploring herself and opening her mind. At least I tried... When I'm alone I AM ALONE. I MIGHT have a couple of guys to talk to for extreme lonely nights but i surely have had those days where I stay in alone and wonder about myself. Like who I am, what I want to achieve in life and pretty much have gone through existential crisis. At least I think I have. - I hope I have. I know I have. I know what I like and the more I age the more I do whatever the fuck I want. I've learned it makes people angry and hateful towards me. Especially my bestfriend. She wants me to hang out with artificial people and unfortunately she is one of them. She doesn't know what she likes. I've never seen her have a hobbie. When she broke up with his guy her artificialness was enhanced to another level and I tried to push her to get to know herself. My best friend is a beautiful person (on the outside) and is pretty much spoiled by every guy and she can't truly be by herself. I feel like she has it way too easy and either she is becoming a very ugly person or always was and its coming out now. I believe the one where shes becoming a very ugly person. Because I once knew my best friend as a person with a big heart and beautiful feelings. I feel like she's losing all that - she's falling victim to social pressure and drugs and getting addicted to getting everything easy from guys. I've tried to tell her but she's so defensive.

Do i let her be? Push her away until she realizes how ugly of a person she's becoming on the inside. I know she has the potential for her inner beauty to match her outer beauty but I feel like she takes everything I tell her as a threat. I hope someone reads this and is able to give me advice.

Issue#2 lol.:
My sister doesn't appreciate anything my parents have always done for her. She is losing the house and they're helping her save it. They went away to China for a month and she wasn't capable of even caring about the shit they have to do. Like their mail, collecting their rent or trying to figure out what SHE can do to help the situation shes gotten herself into. Shes 34 by the way. Not 15. or 20.
Instead she goes out to party while her daughter is home (she's toned it down because me and my mom almost killed her ) and she :drumroll: visits my moms enemies. ---Is she a piece of shit... ?? Or am I expecting too much of her.

As soon as my bf saves enough to 1)buy a car 2)save for  deposit and rent, I'm getting tfo of her house.

^ That issue is complicated to me. Why? because she's left my niece sleeping alone in the house to go party. Negligently. Is it my responsibility to make sure my niece is safe and grows up normal? Should I stay here and live as if I'm her 2nd mother or get out and have her deal with it. -- But what if my niece gets raped or touched by a man my sister brings home OR idk? I have to move on and LIVE my life otherwise the cycle will repeat with my children. Sorry.


<3 This feels good.

Cant sleep

Well I'm trying to sleep because I want to wake up early and I can't -_- . I been trying for ten min but whatever. Today was a good day overall. I felt bad at work because of the fall the other day and all my muscles hurt so I left a bit earlier. Then I got my niece and picked up babe and I got the greatest nap that took away my blazing headache. From then on it was cool we ate pizza :( I know. I ended up doing my nails which made me feel better lol. I have to start focusing on me otherwise I'll be shit in the end. Tomorrow I want to try the veggie shakes and water for detox. Let's see.

I love my bf :) so any doubt I had before let's squash it. I always have to live in the moment though lol who knows what will happen in the future? I've learned no matter how much I plan shit it's never gona go through as one expects. I will how ever be prepared. 😊

❤

New year same shit

I feel like I was so motivated as the new ear approached and now that it's here I haven't done shit... Is it normal to be this laid back when I want to better myself in so many ways? I find excuses for everything and I feel like a loser. I see my best friend doing all year things to better myself and she's already awesome. What the fuck do I need to do to get off the couch? I know forsure I want to travel. In gona do a double tomorrow at work and try to get money. I want to be able to travel!!!!

Anyway another thing is I can't fucking sleep at night now even when I wake up early. Ok never mind I took a nap yday during the middle f the day and slept in today lol ugh I need to stop this sedentary shit.!!!

❤😜

Just to write shit

Honestly I been way too lazy to write but I HAVE to. Lol I can't sleep at night thinking about random shit. Anyway I haven't done any diet. I guess I don't want to e skinny that bad right? I mean obviously I'm happy with the way I am. And for now I'll leave it at that ? I am definitely getting healthier though. I'm buying veggies tomorrow and other good stuff tomorrow. I'm getting a blender too cuz I want to start making raw veggie shakes... Let's see how it tastes though 😜

My mom is back and I always feel like I don't pay enough attention to my family. I wonder if it's normal though? Especially me living this far away from her now. I can say I try as much as possible to spend enough time with them. I always feel guilty about not hanging with my niece as well but I also know I have a life I live. I have to achieve that balance between selfish and caring with my family--- but what if they're selfish ?

School started and I am both scared of the flood of responsibilities/possibly hard work I will be going through and excited . I'll be doing sobefest again this year and that's always an awesome experience.
I have a big problem though. I suck at socializing with people at school. I'm inconfident that I won't be able to move ahead because of it 😔

Well it's Friday night so I'm going to shower and head out

❤

Its a new year!!

Okay so its monday and idid absolutely nothing lol. But i felt happy that way? I still need to get another job to get more experience in what i actually want todo. Whatever atleast last year i got closer by working here.
I was thinking if my bf makes money on the future i could lease a snall kitchen space and do catering for individual families. But i would definitely need to learn how to cook lol. Maybe cooking school is in my near future?
By the way i decided traveling is definitely what i want to do RIGHT NOW.

Lets see.
❤❤ & ✌
& happy new year!! 🎉

Im a nagger

Unfortunately lol. Man I'm always bitching at my boyfriend about something. I need to stop.

On a lighter note it's December 31st and I'm excited cuz it's gona be a crazy ass night!! I miss my parent and the baby though :(.
I messed up my vegetarianism :(

I love food too much and when I make more money I buy more organic stuff. I l on the other hand be more conscious of what I put into my body.

Whatever

Well he didn't end up having enough for rent and suddenly he's like trying to get free lance work. Maybe I should of done this a long time ago. I get too motherly and he should be able to figure shit out on his own. Another thing is he's here trying todo the free lance thing and in my head I'm about to bitch him out to hurry up. Guys are retarded, if I start hurrying him up he'll think I don't want him to do that and he'll get mixed messages. So i began to write here lol. By the way I wanted him to hurry up because we're going to a Friends house and have 2 other things we have do before we get there.

Aside from that I'm trying to become vegetarian and haven't ate meat in two days. Honestly I haven't been eating healthy. Mainly pasta and today I ate a veggie pizza (loaded with grease) from my job. I have this huge headache, I feel it's from like suddenly stripping myself of protein lol. Ugh I drank a Motrin after hours of having the headache because I thought it might go away on its own. I'm starting to think this vegetarian shit isn't for me... I love food!!!